"Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends?" The effects of ADHD on a woman's social life.

I was on the phone with my best friend the other day and we began to discuss in depth how ADHD has effected my day to day life. She paused for a moment and then enthusiastically responded "Huh... and you know I always just thought you were an inconsiderate person". It sounds harsh, it was. But hooray for having a best friend who can call me out and tell it like it is so that I can better understand my shortcomings and begin to bridge the gap.

Uncovering the basic truths of my life with ADHD has led to some not so pleasant realities. Probably one of the sharpest that has come into view is my lousy track record at being a "good" friend. Sometimes my inconsiderate behavior appeared in the form of constant interruptions during conversations, or finding common ground with what my friend was saying and hijacking the conversation all together. When it comes to remembering important dates or simply remembering to keep a promise over the years I have failed miserably at being able to follow through in the way that I would like to, as a result I have many friendships that have fallen by the wayside.

This is a common theme amongst women with ADHD, and also a stark irony if you consider how isolating this disorder is to begin with. The good news is that with effective treatment it is possible to turn the ship around. Don't get me wrong, I have wonderful friends who have gone the distance with me despite my sometimes flaky or not so friendly behavior. That is because ADHD also makes us unique and interesting individuals. So imagine harnessing your new ability to pay attention, remembering to follow through, and overall deepening of your friendships. What would it feel like to expand your safety net of good friends who respond to your ability to show up while still being you?

We will be discussing more about the tools to use in deepening friendships and relationships as I continue to blog. I am curious to know: How has ADHD effected your personal relationships? In your road to recovery what steps have you taken to become a better friend?

The medication conundrum...

Oh, to medicate or not to medicate, that is the question. First of all everyone is different and there is no single answer when facing the choice of taking a medication that will potentially alter your delicate brain chemistry. I know many women who have chosen to tackle their ADHD quite effectively with an altered diet, increased exercise, and added nutritional supplements.

I would also be remiss if I did not also mention my own strong feelings against pharmaceutical drugs in general. I think that we are vastly overmedicated as a society in a way that is both extreme and unnecessary, and that many physical and mental problems could be alleviated or eliminated with a change of diet and increased nutritional protocol. That said, however, after extensive research and coming to grips of the extent that my own ADHD has affected me I had to consider the possible benefit that I could be afforded by turning a medication that potentially could greatly reduce years of suffering and inability to create the life that I wanted. So what is the verdict? Well, for me it was to try medication. In my case I was diagnosed by my incredibly astute and compassionate therapist. She urged me to see a psychiatrist to try medication and see if it would work for me.

If you read my earlier blog about living a life in which the lights were turned off I will keep this simple: The medication turned the lights back on.

Now I strongly believe that medication alone is not a solution. ADHD is like an old tree that has a root system that is diverse and widespread throughout every facet of my life. Medication allows me to see the roots and focus clearly to thrive despite their presence. Therapy, organizational structures that work, and a strong support system are also equally important components to my recovery.

We will talk more about this in future posts, but keep in mind there is no right or wrong.

Coming out party...

Wouldn't it be nice if you could come out of the ADD closet to a world that would embrace you and tell you that they understood that your entire life you had been using every ounce of strength and resource to climb the impossible mountain of every day normalcy? The truth is, ADHD is so vastly mis-understood and mis-catergorized by the general public that the likelihood of that actually happening by all of your friends and loved ones is slim at best.

Most women live with the inattentive type of ADHD vs the hyperactive type. Generally ADHD is viewed by the general public as the textbook hyperactive male child, and rarely are the debilitating implications considered for adults, especially females. Most ADHD women have gone through the majority of their lives undiagnosed and struggling to maintain the basic status quo acceptable by their peers. When they fall short and disappoint friends, family, or co-workers their shortcomings are considered a character or personality flaw. So when we finally realize that our struggles not only have a name but a possible treatment it is understandable that we would want to shout from the rooftops "HEY... IT WASN'T MY FAULT... I'M ACTUALLY NOT A FLAKE... JUST MY BRAIN CHEMISTRY!", but most of us are so terrified of the social implications that that admission would create that we inevitably stay in the closet.

The most important thing I have found in reaching out to people about this disorder is that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make em' drink. It is crucial that you surround yourself with a SUPPORT system. A support system by definition means a system of loved ones who support you no matter what. A support system in this case does not include people who should be close to you due to various familial or social connectivity that doubt your ADHD or tell you that you should just change.

Right now you may have the luxury of having a group of people reading up on ADHD and helping you to restore your battered self image. For those of you who don't, please for your own peace of mind... walk away when people roll their eyes or doubt your ADHD. Don't take it personally. This is a long road and our world is unfortunately not yet fully educated or prepared to help with a disorder so often misunderstood. This is bittersweet because in the truest sense of the world ADHD handicaps a women in the same way she would be handicaped if she had broken a leg. In the meantime... seek out friends, counselors, or support groups who do.

You are an AMAZING person with infinite potential... the key to unlocking it is understanding the obstacles that have stood in the way.

Why the blog lady?

Simple. In my quest for ADHD information nothing looked like me. Every site I found had pictures of wild little boys or women and men at a different space in their life.

But what does it look like to be evolving as a woman with ADHD in a creative and relevant way? How do you cope in a world that is moving at the speed of light with more distractions than ever before. What do you do when faced with overcoming something that may have actually been the key to the gifts that so many creative ADHD women posses?

Life is not black and white and when it comes to making sense of a life out of focus, a treatment should not be either. This is a place to discuss and acknowledge obstacles while helping the modern women create innovative structures to constructively empower themselves in dealing with their ADHD in a rapidly changing world.

Myths: Fact or Fiction

Adult ADD/ADHD Myths: Fact or Fiction

MYTH: ADD/ADHD is just a lack of willpower. Persons with ADD/ADHD focus well on things that interest them; they could focus on any other tasks if they really wanted to.

FACT: ADD/ADHD looks very much like a willpower problem, but it isn’t. It’s essentially a chemical problem in the management systems of the brain.

MYTH: Everybody has the symptoms of ADD/ADHD, and anyone with adequate intelligence can overcome these difficulties.

FACT: ADD/ADHD affects persons of all levels of intelligence. And although everyone sometimes has symptoms of ADD/ADHD, only those with chronic impairments from these symptoms warrant an ADD/ADHD diagnosis.

MYTH: Someone can’t have ADD/ADHD and also have depression, anxiety, or other psychiatric problems.

FACT: A person with ADD/ADHD is six times more likely to have another psychiatric or learning disorder than most other people. ADD/ADHD usually overlaps with other disorders.

MYTH: Unless you have been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD as a child, you can’t have it as an adult.

FACT: Many adults struggle all their lives with unrecognized ADD/ADHD impairments. They haven’t received help because they assumed that their chronic difficulties, like depression or anxiety, were caused by other impairments that did not respond to usual treatment.

Source: Dr. Thomas E. Brown, Attention Deficit Disorder: The Unfocused Mind in Children and Adults

Who turned off the lights?

When I was five years old my parents had enough money to send me to a fancy private school that promised the finest education in all the land. Upon taking my entrance exam (an IQ test... yes, the five year old version) my parents were told that I was exceptionally gifted and that I may even posses a mensa IQ level. Everyone was happy for a moment marinating in the afterglow of my infinite potential... and then the other shoe dropped.

Like many of you out there, my potential seemed to slowly evaporate before everyones eyes along with my self worth. I remember the feeling of wanting so desperately to be normal but as hard as I tried it seemed as though I had been locked in a dark room without so much as a flashlight to guide me through the simplest of tasks. Within a matter of weeks in the advent of my kindergarten career I went from the advanced reading group to a special education class separate from my peers. And so began the avalanche of my self worth and my ability to perceive myself as normal in a world of clean rooms and finished homework assignments.

I wish that I could say that as time went on people recognized my differences and were able to help me and let me know that this was not all my fault. But like many women living with ADHD I went undiagnosed and treated for another long and windy twenty five years.

This is a blog to chronicle my journey into discovery and healing of this debilitating and wondrous obstacle that has in so many ways defined the many facets of my life.

The journey has been sad, hilarious, and often times a series of backbends to become the woman I want to be. I hope that this helps some of you on your own journey. I have chosen to believe that ADHD (with all of its many faces of complexity and wackness) also brings an entirely unique universe of gifts and strength that give us the capacity to be creative, unique and exceptionally powerful women.