Pick yourself up...

Ah Nat, words to live by.

A work in progress

I like to think of my ADHD as a work of art in progress.  Some days the colors come together in a complementary symphony that leaves me grateful to have the experience of living with a mind, that while different is also uniquely creative.  However, some days I spill coffee on the canvas... burn myself and accidentally lock the paint brushes in the car with my keys.  The trick is remembering that both scenarios are perfect and that one does not preclude the other.

When I began dealing with my ADHD I was euphoric at my ability to accomplish the simple things that used to seem infinite and impossible.  I would breeze through the days with a renewed sense of capability and confidence.  But as with all things, you cannot coast through perfection forever.  Some days are full of challenges that bring up the old frustrations and pain.   Some activities will simply always be a tremendous challenge for me regardless of how easy they may be for others around me.

The trick is keeping the art of progression in mind when you feel that you are slipping back into a world of disorganization.  Rome was not built in a day and it is crucial to try and take a daily look at the small accomplishments.  I celebrate victories like remembering consistently to put the laundry in the hamper, or put the dishes in the dishwasher as soon as I am finished eating.  I try to repeat these activities and make it a habit... but there are days when the laundry is more stubborn and despite my best efforts curls up comfortably on the bathroom floor.

I have made peace with these small things.  I celebrate their completion, and at times I take comfort in my strengths when they do not come easy.  To the rest of the world it is hard to understand, but if you live within that magical ADHD brain it is crucial to remember not to be hard on yourself when inevitably some days will just be harder than others.

In Good Company

Famous People with ADHD

This is a short list of exceptional people who have/had ADHD.  You will notice that due to both a lack of research and understanding there are few women.  Until we have a more complete list, notice that these are all people who think "outside the box".  There are also a lot of very creative people.  Sometimes being a little "different" or not fitting into the norm, can work to your advantage.  We hope this encourages you.

Actors
Bill Cosby	Jim Carey	Harry Belafonte
Cher	Kirk Douglas	Ann Bancroft
Dustin Hoffman	Robin Williams	Suzanne Somers
George Burns	Steve McQueen	Tracey Gold
George C. Scott	Sylvester Stallone	Whoopi Goldberg
Henry Winkler	Will Smith	Lindsay Wagner
James Stewart	Tom Smothers	Danny Glover

Artists
Pablo Picasso	Vincent Van Gogh	Ansel Adams

Authors
Emily Dickinson	Virginia Wolf	F. Scott Fitzgerald

Athletes
Bruce Jenner	Pete Rose	Magic Johnson
Jackie Stewart	Babe Ruth	Micael Jordan
Nolan Ryan	Jason Kidd	Greg Louganis

Inventors
Leonardo Da Vinci	Orville & Wilber Wright	Benjamin Franklin
Thomas Edison	William Wrigley	Alexander Graham Bell

Scholars
Sir Issac Newton	Galileo	Albert Einstein

Statesmen
Anwar Sadat	Abraham Lincoln	John F. Kennedy
Winston Churchill	Prince Charles	Dwight Eisenhauer
Robert F. Kennedy	Woodrow Wilson	Nelson Rockafeller

Entrepreneurs
Walt Disney	FW Woolworth	Andrew Carnegie
Henry Ford	Malcolm Forbes	William Randolph Hearst

Your Brain at Work

When I entered into the workforce in my mid twenties I was incredibly fortunate to happen upon a series of events that almost accidentally highlighted my strengths and intelligence.  Soon after my career began I landed an executive management position faster than I ever could have ever imagined.  I have always been a creative at heart, so I was shocked and almost giddy when I realized I could be good at anything remotely analytical.

So what was it about this job so ill-fitting to my personality and full of pressure that made me feel so lucky?  And why do most ADHD women loose confidence and end up in a downward spiral when faced with a relatively simplistic entry level position?

While the sudden rise in responsibility appeared daunting at first, it was what inevitably allowed me to survive on a daily basis.  What was happening with my management position was a series of daily challenges and big picture tasks that were full of stimulating and thought provoking activity.   It was this stimulation that provided a natural focus allowing me to coast through my work days in a time before I understood my ADHD brain.  When it came to the menial day to day work I would inevitably get stuck and begin to feel worthless... but throw me in a meeting full of top dogs and I seemed to have the midas touch at unravelling the mysteries of the universe.  There was only one problem: the dichotomy between my inability to do simplest of things and my perceived ability and intelligence by my peers.  At the end of the day the divide left me feeling like a big ol' fraud.

What started out as a sudden burst of self confidence and renewed sense of ability slowly began to erode when I would get stuck connecting the dots of the simplest tasks.  I began to enter into every day wondering if this is the day I would be found out for who I really was.  After all, all they would have to do is open the drawers of my desks to see that chaos rained supreme.  I ended up leaving my job for another as the stress of unfinished piles of work began to mount and I figured it was only a matter of time before they realized I had no idea what I was doing anyway.

This is the sad truth that leads so many undiagnosed and brilliant ADHD women into a constant spin cycle of feeling as though they have failed.  It is also the reason why so many talented and capable women get stuck struggling at the entry level and fail to get off the ground and realize their true potential. 

Looking back I wish that I had the tools to better understand what made my brain different and unique.  The truth is, I was highly capable and I did do great things for the companies I worked for.  I was able to look at the big picture and come up with innovative ideas that inevitably had a tremendous impact on the bottom line.  What I didn't understand was that my brain was severely lacking the most essential chemicals necessary for stimulation and that when external stimulation was lacking I would inevitably become paralyzed by the inability to complete what was in front of me.

This is where treatment for ADHD women becomes a true life saver.  If I had understood my strengths and weaknesses I could have considered using an assistant for the areas in which my brain would get suck.  Similarly, I could have considered a medication regimen to help stimulate my frontal lobe thereby enabling me to get those less stimulating tasks accomplished myself.

I feel tremendously fortunate to be in the minority of women with ADHD who are learning to recognize and move through the challenges that the disorder presents.  While the story listed above is only one of many in a lifetime full of perceived 'failures', the basic understanding of what I am dealing with has enabled me to put down the 10,000lb weight of shame and move forward with the knowledge that my talents and abilities are indeed very REAL.

I hear that, kid...

If you read only one...

If you read only one ADHD book, then this should definitely be it.  I have to give a shout out to Sari Solden for paving the way for ADHD women with an in depth understanding of how the disorder uniquely effects women.  If you don't already own and you are a woman with ADHD then I would highly recommend it.

I don't know Sari and I am not affiliated with the book, I just know that it has been a profound tool in helping me to understand my own brain and how to untie the seemingly impossible knots therein.

Exercise on the Brain...

Exercise, oh how I have always loved our long distant relationship.  The kind where a few times of year we meet up on a random hike or a bike ride and then I swear you off again when I cannot walk for days afterward.  Besides, who has time for it anyway?  Or at least… that is what I used to think when taking the time to ponder a physical fitness regimen and why it did not and could not fit into my own life.  I was blessed by a metabolism that has always been relatively forgiving and as a result I viewed exercise as both time consuming and unnecessary.   That game changed; however, almost instantly upon the arrival of my thirties.  Suddenly everything I ate just sort of seemed to stick and I decided to march into my local gym on December 31^st and make myself a New Year’s cliché.

Time passed and while many aspects of my physique are a testament enough to the wonders of time and commitment to regular physical activity, the real change has been in my brain chemistry.  Most of us are aware that exercise naturally increases the production of endorphins making us naturally happier while simultaneously reducing stress.  But the game changer here in the case of people with ADHD is that exercise also (and this is the important part) significantly and immediately elevates dopamine and norepinephrine levels and keeps them elevated for a significant amount of time.  Doctors have discussed at length the benefits of regular exercise for the ADHD brain by helping to control impulsivity while waking up the executive function of the frontal cortex.  So what we are really talking about is exercise = a natural form of medication.

I will admit, I never really believed I would be able to get into a routine at a gym after living a long and happy life of a skinny fat person (trim but underneath the clothes completely out of shape).  So when I snapped to it with regular consistency and enthusiasm it struck me… I get far more out of sweating to the oldies than just a better body. 

In the beginning it was hard for me to justify daily trips to the gym because of the time it would take.  In an ADHD brain the act of packing up, going to the gym, coming home, showering all seemed like a bit too much to throw into my already over taxed life.  Oh, but how mistaken I was.  Soon I realized that gym days overall ended up being far more productive than days when I skipped out and stayed home (and, oh, lets say… ended up blowing four hours on facebook or watching Real Housewives marathons). 

So here’s to exercise. Paying for the gym membership is my motivation to go consistently, but if you are the kind of person who can get excited by a morning run or a Yoga class it all adds up to the same thing, a refreshed sense of focus and calm.

Taking off the Blinders

One of the most amazing things I have discovered since beginning my ADHD treatment is my newfound ability to fully take in what is happening around me.  For years I have studied meditation and held a deep importance for being in and experiencing the present moment.  But the truth is my ADHD often led me to tune out those moments so that all of my focus could remain on getting from a very basic point A to point B.  

When I began to treat my ADHD in earnest one of the first things I discovered was that there was a vibrant world around me that I had been missing.  Small children, mothers, dogs, men, trees, all of the things I had tried so desperately to tune out so that I could stick to the task at hand.  Now I notice that when I do simple tasks (i.e. going to the grocery store) I see things that I didn't see before.  I make eye contact, I make conversation and my interactions are more sincere and less rushed.  

It feels great, but why is it happening?  For one, I have noticed that my overall stress level has decreased substantially.   Having ADHD I think that I overlooked the tremendous burden that the disorder adds to an already heavy stress load.  When I was able to effectively manage it and gain more control over my life the simplest of things took on a whole new viewpoint.  I also notice that although I am a very outgoing and social person, I have always been terrified of meeting new people and beginning new social interactions.  I believe this stems from a lifetime of not fully having access to an internal edit button and therefore living with an underlying fear that what I say or do might make me look lame or incompetent.  In the past by tuning out my surroundings and staring straight ahead I was able to mitigate the likelihood of ever having to socially interact and therefore save myself from the potential awkward or embarrassing moments that might follow.

So while opening my eyes to the world in a different way did not happen over night, I felt it was worth celebrating as one of the many glorious perks of weeding out the noise and getting back to a life full of just that… life.

"Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends?" The effects of ADHD on a woman's social life.

I was on the phone with my best friend the other day and we began to discuss in depth how ADHD has effected my day to day life. She paused for a moment and then enthusiastically responded "Huh... and you know I always just thought you were an inconsiderate person". It sounds harsh, it was. But hooray for having a best friend who can call me out and tell it like it is so that I can better understand my shortcomings and begin to bridge the gap.

Uncovering the basic truths of my life with ADHD has led to some not so pleasant realities. Probably one of the sharpest that has come into view is my lousy track record at being a "good" friend. Sometimes my inconsiderate behavior appeared in the form of constant interruptions during conversations, or finding common ground with what my friend was saying and hijacking the conversation all together. When it comes to remembering important dates or simply remembering to keep a promise over the years I have failed miserably at being able to follow through in the way that I would like to, as a result I have many friendships that have fallen by the wayside.

This is a common theme amongst women with ADHD, and also a stark irony if you consider how isolating this disorder is to begin with. The good news is that with effective treatment it is possible to turn the ship around. Don't get me wrong, I have wonderful friends who have gone the distance with me despite my sometimes flaky or not so friendly behavior. That is because ADHD also makes us unique and interesting individuals. So imagine harnessing your new ability to pay attention, remembering to follow through, and overall deepening of your friendships. What would it feel like to expand your safety net of good friends who respond to your ability to show up while still being you?

We will be discussing more about the tools to use in deepening friendships and relationships as I continue to blog. I am curious to know: How has ADHD effected your personal relationships? In your road to recovery what steps have you taken to become a better friend?

The medication conundrum...

Oh, to medicate or not to medicate, that is the question. First of all everyone is different and there is no single answer when facing the choice of taking a medication that will potentially alter your delicate brain chemistry. I know many women who have chosen to tackle their ADHD quite effectively with an altered diet, increased exercise, and added nutritional supplements.

I would also be remiss if I did not also mention my own strong feelings against pharmaceutical drugs in general. I think that we are vastly overmedicated as a society in a way that is both extreme and unnecessary, and that many physical and mental problems could be alleviated or eliminated with a change of diet and increased nutritional protocol. That said, however, after extensive research and coming to grips of the extent that my own ADHD has affected me I had to consider the possible benefit that I could be afforded by turning a medication that potentially could greatly reduce years of suffering and inability to create the life that I wanted. So what is the verdict? Well, for me it was to try medication. In my case I was diagnosed by my incredibly astute and compassionate therapist. She urged me to see a psychiatrist to try medication and see if it would work for me.

If you read my earlier blog about living a life in which the lights were turned off I will keep this simple: The medication turned the lights back on.

Now I strongly believe that medication alone is not a solution. ADHD is like an old tree that has a root system that is diverse and widespread throughout every facet of my life. Medication allows me to see the roots and focus clearly to thrive despite their presence. Therapy, organizational structures that work, and a strong support system are also equally important components to my recovery.

We will talk more about this in future posts, but keep in mind there is no right or wrong.

Coming out party...

Wouldn't it be nice if you could come out of the ADD closet to a world that would embrace you and tell you that they understood that your entire life you had been using every ounce of strength and resource to climb the impossible mountain of every day normalcy? The truth is, ADHD is so vastly mis-understood and mis-catergorized by the general public that the likelihood of that actually happening by all of your friends and loved ones is slim at best.

Most women live with the inattentive type of ADHD vs the hyperactive type. Generally ADHD is viewed by the general public as the textbook hyperactive male child, and rarely are the debilitating implications considered for adults, especially females. Most ADHD women have gone through the majority of their lives undiagnosed and struggling to maintain the basic status quo acceptable by their peers. When they fall short and disappoint friends, family, or co-workers their shortcomings are considered a character or personality flaw. So when we finally realize that our struggles not only have a name but a possible treatment it is understandable that we would want to shout from the rooftops "HEY... IT WASN'T MY FAULT... I'M ACTUALLY NOT A FLAKE... JUST MY BRAIN CHEMISTRY!", but most of us are so terrified of the social implications that that admission would create that we inevitably stay in the closet.

The most important thing I have found in reaching out to people about this disorder is that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make em' drink. It is crucial that you surround yourself with a SUPPORT system. A support system by definition means a system of loved ones who support you no matter what. A support system in this case does not include people who should be close to you due to various familial or social connectivity that doubt your ADHD or tell you that you should just change.

Right now you may have the luxury of having a group of people reading up on ADHD and helping you to restore your battered self image. For those of you who don't, please for your own peace of mind... walk away when people roll their eyes or doubt your ADHD. Don't take it personally. This is a long road and our world is unfortunately not yet fully educated or prepared to help with a disorder so often misunderstood. This is bittersweet because in the truest sense of the world ADHD handicaps a women in the same way she would be handicaped if she had broken a leg. In the meantime... seek out friends, counselors, or support groups who do.

You are an AMAZING person with infinite potential... the key to unlocking it is understanding the obstacles that have stood in the way.

Why the blog lady?

Simple. In my quest for ADHD information nothing looked like me. Every site I found had pictures of wild little boys or women and men at a different space in their life.

But what does it look like to be evolving as a woman with ADHD in a creative and relevant way? How do you cope in a world that is moving at the speed of light with more distractions than ever before. What do you do when faced with overcoming something that may have actually been the key to the gifts that so many creative ADHD women posses?

Life is not black and white and when it comes to making sense of a life out of focus, a treatment should not be either. This is a place to discuss and acknowledge obstacles while helping the modern women create innovative structures to constructively empower themselves in dealing with their ADHD in a rapidly changing world.

Myths: Fact or Fiction

Adult ADD/ADHD Myths: Fact or Fiction

MYTH: ADD/ADHD is just a lack of willpower. Persons with ADD/ADHD focus well on things that interest them; they could focus on any other tasks if they really wanted to.

FACT: ADD/ADHD looks very much like a willpower problem, but it isn’t. It’s essentially a chemical problem in the management systems of the brain.

MYTH: Everybody has the symptoms of ADD/ADHD, and anyone with adequate intelligence can overcome these difficulties.

FACT: ADD/ADHD affects persons of all levels of intelligence. And although everyone sometimes has symptoms of ADD/ADHD, only those with chronic impairments from these symptoms warrant an ADD/ADHD diagnosis.

MYTH: Someone can’t have ADD/ADHD and also have depression, anxiety, or other psychiatric problems.

FACT: A person with ADD/ADHD is six times more likely to have another psychiatric or learning disorder than most other people. ADD/ADHD usually overlaps with other disorders.

MYTH: Unless you have been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD as a child, you can’t have it as an adult.

FACT: Many adults struggle all their lives with unrecognized ADD/ADHD impairments. They haven’t received help because they assumed that their chronic difficulties, like depression or anxiety, were caused by other impairments that did not respond to usual treatment.

Source: Dr. Thomas E. Brown, Attention Deficit Disorder: The Unfocused Mind in Children and Adults

Who turned off the lights?

When I was five years old my parents had enough money to send me to a fancy private school that promised the finest education in all the land. Upon taking my entrance exam (an IQ test... yes, the five year old version) my parents were told that I was exceptionally gifted and that I may even posses a mensa IQ level. Everyone was happy for a moment marinating in the afterglow of my infinite potential... and then the other shoe dropped.

Like many of you out there, my potential seemed to slowly evaporate before everyones eyes along with my self worth. I remember the feeling of wanting so desperately to be normal but as hard as I tried it seemed as though I had been locked in a dark room without so much as a flashlight to guide me through the simplest of tasks. Within a matter of weeks in the advent of my kindergarten career I went from the advanced reading group to a special education class separate from my peers. And so began the avalanche of my self worth and my ability to perceive myself as normal in a world of clean rooms and finished homework assignments.

I wish that I could say that as time went on people recognized my differences and were able to help me and let me know that this was not all my fault. But like many women living with ADHD I went undiagnosed and treated for another long and windy twenty five years.

This is a blog to chronicle my journey into discovery and healing of this debilitating and wondrous obstacle that has in so many ways defined the many facets of my life.

The journey has been sad, hilarious, and often times a series of backbends to become the woman I want to be. I hope that this helps some of you on your own journey. I have chosen to believe that ADHD (with all of its many faces of complexity and wackness) also brings an entirely unique universe of gifts and strength that give us the capacity to be creative, unique and exceptionally powerful women.